You said… what? Some of the funniest resume and job search bloopers I’ve come across.

I’ve collected a lot laugh-out-loud hilarious resume bloopers over the years, and whenever I feel down, they’re always good for a chuckle.

Some I’ve experienced firsthand, most I’ve been told about, and a few may just be the stuff of urban legend in the hiring world, but they’re all a hoot, so here you go.

Small details. Big difference.

• Previous job: Ass. Manager. Doubly funny because she was applying to a medical office.
• Objective: Seeking party-time position with room for advancement. Yeah, me, too.
• Detale-Oriented. No, you aren’t.
• Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. Except now now.
• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. That sounds like more of a punishment than a reward, don’t you think?
• Then there is the legendary Shift Supervisor who left the letter “f” out of his job title when typing it. Yep.

Say what?!?!

• One executive boasted “Led Day-to-Day Execution of 450 People and All Their Associated Work.” I’ve heard of bad bosses, but that beats all.
• A nurse’s aide described her responsibilities as “dispensed medication and passed out.” I suspect that might also be her reason for leaving.
• Skills: I am a rabid typist. I’m not sure that’s actually a skill, and you might want to deal with the rabies before looking for a job.
• Bilingual in three languages. Anyone who knows the difference between a bicycle and a tricycle should be able to figure this one out.
• I’m looking for a salary commiserate with my experience. The word is commensurate, people. This way, you just sound sad.
• Instead of apologizing for the inconvenience in a cover note, one unlucky person wrote “Sorry for any incontinence.” Oops.
• “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.” Done.

Read between the lines.

• “Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.” So you just get fired a lot?
• One applicant wrote “took three months off to get over the death of my cat.” Hmmm.
• Language Skills: Exposure to German for two years but many words are inappropriate for business. Hmmm again.
  
• And then we have the job seeker who emailed her resume with the link to her social networking profile, which was public and decorated with photos of marijuana.

Not something to brag about.

• Graduated in the top 70% of my class. I know everyone tells you to put statistics on your resume, but this is not one to include.
• I am most proudest of my 3.94 GPA and organize skills. Perhaps good ‘organize skills’ will help make up for bad grammar skills.
• Completed 11 years of high school. That is quite an extended high school education.
  
• Achievement: Planned new corporate facility at $3M over budget. Hiring managers, protect your budgets!
  
• Instrumental for ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Sorry to hear that.
  
• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. That’s a lot to be responsible for.

Ewwww.

• Very experienced with out-house computers. I’m hoping they meant offsite.
  
• Personal Interests: Donating Blood. Fourteen gallons so far. I admire that but… ewww.
  
• Hobbies: Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians. That’s just not right.
  

I’ve got more – how about you?